Making Conflict Transformational: Step #5 – Understand Your Approach to Conflict
Imagine with me the following conflict situations, noticing how people approach conflict differently.
Ian and Chelsea have been married for two years. The honeymoon stage is over and they’re starting to notice some significant differences in the way they do life. Chelsea is super organized and loves to plan everything while Ian prefers to let life just happen. They’re repeatedly bumping up against this difference in their planning styles. Chelsea would like to work out a compromise while Ian is adamant that his way is the best way. His favorite response when Chelsea is worked up about his lack of planning is, “Just chill, Chelsea, just chill.”
Jacob and Sam have been friends for years. Jacob is more outwardly assertive and typically dictates what they end up doing. Sam doesn’t necessarily like having limited say in what they do, but he feels it’s important to keep the peace. When he has brought it up, Sam has denied that there is any conflict. And besides, Jacob’s ideas are usually pretty good and they end up having a good time.
Emily and Madison are church friends. They’re both married and have young children. Their children often get together for play dates. They’ve recently experienced conflict over their different parenting styles. Emily is stricter and sometimes tries to push rules onto Madison’s kids that Madison doesn’t believe are all that important. They’ve decided to talk about the tension and explore the values and other factors beneath each person’s parenting style. They’re committed to finding a solution that honors what’s good in both approaches and are prepared to compromise a bit, if necessary.
As you can see from these examples, there are different ways of approaching conflict. Allan Simpson and Darrin Hotte, in their Workbook for Engaging Conflict, describe five approaches to conflict: avoid, assert, accommodate, compromise, and cooperate.
Conflict Approaches