Making Conflict Transformational: Overview
If you’re like me, you don’t naturally gravitate toward conflict. In fact, my inclination is to head for the hills when I see conflict brewing.
Yet, I’m learning that conflict represents an opportunity – an opportunity for transformation and growth. The crucible of conflict often refines ideas and character, and deepens relationships. Of course, conflict can also undermine, paralyze, and even destroy. So, what can we do to increase the chances that the conflicts we face become transformational? In this blog, I’ll present an overview of six steps for making conflict transformational, which I will then explore in greater depth in subsequent blogs.
Recognize that Conflict is Necessary
Just like our muscles need tension and resistance to stay healthy and become stronger, so we, as humans, need the kind of tension that conflict provides to grow and develop. Of course, conflict is not the only source of this kind of tension, but it does have a way of grabbing our attention.
Identify the Type of Conflict and the Factors that Influence the Intensity of the Conflict
What’s at stake here? Is this a, “What kind of pizza should we order?” kind of conflict or is it something more substantive? If it’s something serious, then what are the underlying causes of the conflict? So often we try to deal with the surface tension and fail to address the deeper clashes around values, beliefs, and assumptions. As we peel away the layers, it’s important to recognize and manage the factors that can escalate or deescalate the tension.
Bathe the Situation in Prayer
Prayer is powerful. Prayer puts our focus on God and His priorities. Prayer positions us to hear from God about the conflict. He might speak words of comfort. He might reveal a new possibility that can help us navigate the conflict more effectively. He might speak into our hearts about what we need to learn through this conflict, where He wants to transform us. You see, that’s one of the great things about conflict. We cannot control how others respond. Transformation may not occur in others, or the relationships represented within the conflict. However, we can always position ourselves for personal transformation and prayer is a key part of that process.
Check Our Own Hearts
What’s going on inside of us? Ken Dyck, founder of Freedom Session, has outlined several questions we can ask to check our hearts in a conflict situation. Where have I strayed from God’s standard in my thoughts, emotions, words, and behaviors? What do I believe about Jesus in this situation? What is really going on here? To whom do I need to confess what I have discovered? What character defects of mine were in operation when this "stuff" happened? As God uncovers sin in our lives, we have an opportunity to confess those sins and experience healing and transformation in our own lives. This puts us in a much better position to then address the issues we have with others, some of which may have been dealt with as we checked our own hearts, and to do so in a way that is loving and wholesome.
Understand Our Own Approach to Conflict
What are the factors, like our family of origin and personality, which influence how we approach conflict? As we engage in conflict, are we more likely to care about our own interests or the interests of others? Are we more task-oriented or people-oriented? We all have a conflict style based on numerous contributing factors that affects how we engage in conflict. Understanding our conflict style helps us to moderate its influence, so that our default approach to dealing with conflict does not undermine a healthy conflict resolution process.
The first five steps are more preparatory in nature. They’re all about getting in the right headspace and “heartspace” to make the conflict as transformational as possible.
Go to the Other Person
The final step involves going to the other person and trying to deal with the conflict. Allan Simpson and Darrin Hotte, in their Workbook for Engaging Conflict, describe four pathways to peace: rebuild trust, resolve issues, reconcile hearts, and restore relations.
The six steps I’ve described in this blog are critical for making conflict transformational. In the following blogs, I’ll unpack each one to show how we can carry out each step in the conflicts we face.
Step #1 - Recognize that Conflict is Necessary
Step #2 - Identify the Type of Conflict and Intensity Factors
Step #3 - Pray Through the Conflict
Step #4 - Check Your Own Heart
Step #5 - Understand Your Approach to Conflict
Step #6 - Build Pathways of Peace
Dr. Randy Wollf is Associate Professor of Practical Theology and Leadership Studies at MB Seminary (part of ACTS Seminaries of Trinity Western University) and Director of MinistryLift. Randy has also served as a pastor, church planter, and missionary.